Chelsea’s own wicked punishment for Terry (HUMOUR-PG)


Chelsea captain John Terry has apologized and decided not to appeal the four match ban and £220,000 fine for being found guilty of racially abusing QPR’s Anton Ferdinand in the FA’s inquiry following the not guilty verdict of his criminal trial for the same offense. Chelsea, meanwhile, announced that they have conducted their own investigation into the matter and will “take further disciplinary action” against Terry in addition to the FA’s punishment. The following is a transcript of the moment Terry learned what the club’s punishment would be from chief executive Ron Gourlay.

Terry: Hi, boss. You wanted to see me?

Gourlay: Yes John. Please sit down. We appreciate your apology on the Anton Ferdinand matter, but I’m afraid the club will have to punish you internally in addition to what the FA decided.

Terry: Well, what are you going to do? I’m missing four big matches and the fine they gave me is already massive.

Gourlay: No, it won’t be anything like that, John. You see, Mr. Abramovich has been working on this matter himself for some time now. He set up a top secret, state of the art lab in Siberia just for this.

Terry: A lab? I don’t understand. What is he going to do?


Gourlay: [presses button desk] Bring him in, please.

[A man who looks exactly like John Terry walks into Gourlay’s office.]

Terry: My God — Mr. Abramovich cloned me?!

Gourlay: Not exactly. John, this is John Terry. He is identical to you in many ways, but he is actually the public’s perception of John Terry. Your punishment is to live with him for 24 hours without interruption.

Terry: Why does he keep wanting me to shake his hand?

Gourlay: Because no one else will.

Terry: Well, 24 hours doesn’t sound so bad. If this is what Mr. Abramovich wants, I’m fine with it.

PPJT: I slept with your wife. She’s probably pregnant now. You’re a black c***. Did you call me a black c***?!

Terry: What? No.

PPJT: Your son won a spelling competition at school, but I took credit for it. Then he cried. You’ll have to pay for a bunch of therapy for him.

Terry: You leave my family out of this!

Gourlay: John…

PPJT: Let’s be friends. Look, I got these KKK hats for us to wear together.

Terry: Stop trying to shake my hand!

PPJT: The Titanic sinks at the end of the movie Titanic. I liked 9/11.

Terry: Is this some kind of wind up, Ron?

Gourlay: No, John. This is your punishment. Everytime a situation like this arises, the club will make you hang out with the Public’s Perception of John Terry. Of course, if these situations stop happening, PPJT will become more tolerable.

PPJT: This was all my idea. I had it before I even existed. Yes! I win! I just photoshopped myself into the Bible.

Gourlay: Do you see, John? Do you see?

Terry: I…don’t get it.

Gourlay: It’s really not that difficult. Mr. Abramovich won’t be happy about this, but he’s busy trying to kill his other creation — the public’s perception of Ashley Cole. It has already wiped out half of Russia and refuses to stop insulting the FA on Twitter.

PPJT: I baked a Hitler cake if anybody wants some.

Find more amusing takes on a variety of footballing events at Dirty Tackle.

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