The joys of managing Man United

Wigan Athletic v Manchester United - Premier League

 

Is the Manchester United job really that hard, David Moyes? We asked Iain Macintosh to fire up his review copy of ‘Football Manager 2014’ and find out the true perils, if any, of managing at Old Trafford. 

JULY 

It’s important to start a job like this with a statement, so I make mine by telling Anderson that he’s on the transfer list. He says that he’s already on the transfer list. I take him off the transfer list and then immediately put him back on it, just so that he gets the point, the useless, tubby wastrel. Marseille make a seven million pound bid and, with the help of a steel shoehorn, I force him out of the back door and away. He’s not the only one to leave. Federico Macheda, Ben Amos, Alex Buttner depart and, because 18 million pounds seems a lot for the occasional step-over, Nani is out as well. I spend 15 million pounds on Michael Bradley and order him to kick everyone he sees, including Nani who is lingering at the exit door as if I might change my mind. 

AUGUST 
Two wins in the league and the formality of a Community Shield win over Wigan, but something is amiss at Carrington. None of the players are listening to anything I say and Steve Round claims that Wayne Rooney is struggling to motivate himself to play for me. I check my profile. I forgot to alter my experience levels on the start-up screen. When the players ask me to ‘get out my medals’, I haven’t even got any from Sunday league football to show them. I switch to a 4-2-3-1 and use it as an excuse to bench Rooney. It feels good. 

SEPTEMBER 

Two wins and two draws slow my glorious revolution, but I’m still unbeaten in all competitions. My reputation has risen to ‘national’, which is hardly surprising given that I’ve just replaced one of the greatest managers of all time, apparently without ever having kicked a ball in my life. Rooney is still moaning, so I set extra stamina work for him in training just because I can. 

OCTOBER 

Four points from a possible nine in October and I just know that Rooney is giggling behind me on the bench. I decide to bring him back. My determination to get the best out of Shinji Kagawa in the ‘enganche’ role means that the only place I can put Rooney is on the left. He doesn’t like that at all. An ambitious policy of taking every competition seriously is ensuring a smooth progression in the cups, but there really is no excuse for losing to Fulham. This is now officially more stressful than a computer game should be. 

Read the complete article by ESPNFC’s Iain Macintosh

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